The Peace You're Keeping Isn't Peace at All

It's a question I've been asking myself all year—and especially now, as we move into the season when the word peace appears everywhere: on cards, candles, storefronts, wrapped around the holidays like a soft invitation.

For much of my life, I've been pretty good at creating that feeling. I surround myself with people I love, create a festive environment, play more piano, buy and wrap gifts. It all makes my system feel calm and peaceful.

But this year, I've been thinking more deeply about what peace actually means—especially when we talk about "keeping the peace."

What do the lyrics "Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me" really mean?

How do we begin with ourselves while staying silent in conversations that drain us, saying yes when we mean no, or spending time with people who never reciprocate our energy?

Is that what's known as keeping the peace?

And if so—where exactly is the peace in any of that?

When "Keeping the Peace" Means Losing Yourself

This year, I've been letting go of relationships that no longer align with who I am—relationships where I found myself shrinking, staying quiet, and disappearing to avoid disruption.

One was a small group I'd been part of for a year. We were supposed to support each other equally. Instead, I found myself giving constantly—my time, my expertise, my attention—while receiving almost nothing in return. One person dominated every conversation. My needs became invisible. And I kept showing up anyway, telling myself I was "keeping the peace."

But my body told a different story.

Every time I logged into those meetings, my chest tightened. My energy drained. I edited everything I said, bracing for interruption or dismissal. I gave and gave and gave, hoping eventually I'd get a turn too.

I never did.

And one day, I realized: I'm the only one keeping the peace here. And the cost is my own well-being.

The peace I was protecting wasn't real. It was silence. It was self-abandonment dressed up as harmony.

You're Not Alone in This

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone.

So many people—especially those of us who learned early that harmony mattered more than authenticity—spend years being the listener, the helper, the emotional anchor, the steady one. We show up fully for people who rarely show up for us. We stay in conversations where we're unheard. We tolerate being overshadowed, interrupted, dismissed. We give our energy generously while receiving scraps in return—and we tell ourselves those scraps mean connection is coming.

But here's what I've learned this year:

You can't keep a peace that doesn't exist.

When your body is tightening, your needs are disappearing, and you're shrinking to make others comfortable—that's not peace. That's endurance.

Here's What Years of Awareness Work Has Taught Me

The person who used to overextend, stay silent, and disappear to keep the peace? That's no longer who I am.

Through years of inner work—becoming aware of these patterns, understanding where they came from, and consciously choosing differently—I've created truly reciprocal relationships. The kind where presence flows both ways. Where I don't have to shrink to belong. Where peace is real, not performed.

And here's what's interesting: it's through these beautiful, aligned relationships that the ones still tied to old paradigms become impossible to ignore. When you know what real connection feels like, the imitations stand out immediately.

After I started choosing alignment, I met more and more people who proved it was possible—relationships that energized me instead of drained me, where my voice mattered as much as theirs. And something else shifted too: the misaligned people stopped showing up. For the most part, they don't even look my way anymore. It's like my frequency changed, and they could sense it.

The more space we make for people who match our energy, the clearer it becomes when someone doesn't. And although the tethers from childhood can be deep—and yes, one pesky reminder of the past may slip through—it becomes easier and easier to see.

Awareness is the precursor to alignment. And alignment in relationships is where real peace lives.

The study group? That was one of those reminders. A test, really. And this time, I passed it—even though it took a year. Grace reminds us we're not looking for perfection; we're practicing awareness. And the more we practice, the faster we recognize misalignment when it appears.

The Peace You're Actually Losing

Somewhere along the way, many of us confused avoiding disruption with creating peace.

But real peace isn't the absence of conflict. It's the presence of alignment.

Real peace is when your inner world and your outer choices finally match.

It's when you can breathe fully in your relationships instead of holding your breath.

It's when your nervous system relaxes instead of bracing.

It's when you belong in the space you occupy—without disappearing.

The peace we're trying so hard to "keep" isn't out there in other people's comfort. It's inside of us. And when we sacrifice ourselves to maintain false harmony, we're not keeping the peace—we're losing it.

How to Recognize When You're Losing Your Peace

Here are the questions to ask yourself—especially during this season when "keeping the peace" often feels like an unspoken obligation:

• Where am I shrinking?

  Notice the moments you make yourself smaller—quieter, less opinionated, less present. Your body knows.

  
  

• Where am I over-giving without reciprocity?

  Real connection flows both ways. If you're always the listener, the helper, the one who gives—and rarely receive the same—that's not connection. That's depletion.

  
  

• What am I not saying that needs to be said?

  There's a gap between what you're feeling and what you're allowing yourself to express. That gap is where your peace goes to die.

  
  

• What peace am I protecting vs. what am I losing?

  If you're keeping others comfortable at the expense of your own well-being, you're not protecting peace—you're abandoning yourself.

  
  

• What would alignment feel like instead?

  Imagine a relationship where you don't have to disappear to belong. Where your voice matters as much as anyone else's. Where presence flows both ways. That's what you're actually longing for.

  
  

Five Ways to Begin Choosing Real Peace

If you've been the one who disappears to keep the peace, here's how to start choosing alignment instead:

1. Notice the moment you begin to shrink.

There's always a split second before you edit yourself, soften your truth, or brace for someone else's reaction. That flicker of contraction is valuable information.

Pay attention to it. Don't override it. Let it show you where the misalignment lives.

Awareness is the first doorway to real peace.

2. Ask yourself: "Is this peace... or is this silence?"

One expands you. The other compresses you.

Peace nourishes your nervous system. It feels like you can breathe. Silence drains you. It feels like holding your breath.

The difference is in your body. Trust it.

3. Give yourself permission to matter.

You don't have to earn the right to take up space.

Your needs are not an inconvenience.

Your voice is not optional.

You are allowed to want relationships where you don't have to disappear to belong.

Let yourself matter as much as the people you've been prioritizing.

4. Practice one small boundary.

You don't need a big confrontation or dramatic exit. Start small.

Pause before saying yes when you mean no.

Take a breath before absorbing someone else's emotional weight.

Notice when you're about to disappear—and choose to stay present instead.

These micro-shifts retrain your system. They teach you that choosing yourself doesn't destroy connection—it creates the conditions for real connection.

5. Surround yourself with people who reciprocate.

Real peace grows in relationships where you don't have to perform or prove or shrink.

It grows where presence flows both ways.

It grows where you can be fully yourself—and that's exactly what's celebrated, not tolerated.

If the relationships in your life don't feel like this, it's not because you're asking for too much. It's because you've been accepting too little.

What Real Peace Actually Feels Like

When you start choosing alignment over endurance, something shifts.

You stop bracing in conversations.

You stop hoping for scraps and calling it connection.

You stop sacrificing yourself for false harmony.

And a new kind of peace begins to grow—the kind that doesn't require you to disappear.

It's quieter than the "peace" you were trying to keep. But it's real. And it's yours.

This Is the Deeper Work

What I've learned this year—through letting go of relationships that required me to shrink—is that peace truly does begin within.

It begins when we stop abandoning ourselves to keep others comfortable.

It begins when we recognize that our needs matter just as much as anyone else's.

It begins when we understand that real connection doesn't ask us to disappear.

This is what so many people who come to us are longing for—not just love, but the kind of peace that comes from being fully seen, fully met, and fully aligned with the relationships in their lives.

And this is the deeper work we explore in our workshop, From Single to Soulmate: helping people become aware of these patterns, gently release the old roles they've outgrown, and create new connections where peace is not performed... but lived.

This Season, Choose Real Peace

My wish for you is simple:

May this be a season of real peace—the kind that begins within, the kind that asks for truth, the kind that grows when you choose alignment over endurance.

The kind that doesn't require you to disappear.

If you've been keeping a peace that isn't peace at all, this is your permission to stop.

Your well-being matters.

Your voice matters.

You matter.

The peace you're longing for isn't something you keep. It's something you become.

With love and the quietest kind of peace,

Kim

P.S. If you've been the one who shrinks to keep the peace, you're not alone. And you're not asking for too much when you want relationships where you don't have to disappear to belong. That's what we help people create. [Learn more about our workshop here →]