From Heart-Led to Body-Wise: What My Friendships Taught Me About Love

For nearly 45 years, I thought love meant working harder when relationships felt difficult. My friendships were trying to teach me otherwise.

It was never anyone's fault. The friends who treated me badly were reacting from their own patterns. And I allowed it — because of mine.

The First Shift: Spotting the Pattern

At some point, I realized: "I keep attracting people who are lacking presence, take me for granted, or who are inconsistent with me."

That was my version of the pattern. For you, it might look different — maybe unreliable, critical, or unavailable. But the first level of awareness is always the same: noticing what keeps showing up outside of you.

The Deeper Question: How Did I Abandon Myself by What I Tolerated?

For me, self-abandonment showed up in what I allowed.

I led with my heart, always looking for the good in people, making excuses for behavior that made me feel tense or uncertain. My heart wanted to believe the best, even when my body was telling me something different.

I'd catch myself explaining away red flags: "They're just stressed" when someone treated me poorly. "They don't realize how that sounds" when they were dismissive or disrespectful.

I tolerated mistreatment because, compared to my childhood, these relationships felt like an upgrade. The inconsistency was gentler, the dismissiveness more subtle. I mistook "better than before" for "good enough."

I let the occasional kindness be enough to sustain the whole relationship. And I began to notice a painful pattern: some people would shape-shift from loving, attentive, kind… to dismissive, absent, unreliable.

That awareness helped me start choosing differently. I leaned into relationships I could count on, and I loosened ties with those who kept me wondering who they'd be the next time they showed up.

Listening to My Body

I started noticing: my shoulders would tense before seeing certain friends. My stomach would knot when my phone rang and it was them. I'd feel drained after our time together, not energized.

The feelings I carried in those relationships were so familiar, I didn't even recognize they were there. They had become almost my normal frequency.

I grew up with uncertainty. I never knew what I'd walk into when I came in from being outside with friends, or what might happen when my stepfather came home. That low-level anxiety became the baseline I carried into adulthood — and I unknowingly attracted relationships that matched it.

That awareness was mind-blowing: I wasn't causing other people's behavior, but I was saying yes to the feeling I knew so well.

The Shift: From Heart-Led to Body-Wise

I had to learn to pause between my heart's generous interpretations and my body's honest responses. When someone cancelled last-minute without explanation, my heart said "they must be struggling." But my body said "this doesn't feel respectful."

This pause between heart and body became everything. My heart had been a generous interpreter, always finding reasons to excuse behavior that didn't align with my values. But my body? My body was a truth-teller that never lied.

This shift didn't happen overnight, but once I started trusting my body's wisdom, learning to trust it became my north star.

Remembering Who I Am

As I became more aware, I realized that part of the work wasn't just noticing patterns — it was remembering who I am.

I knew my heart. I knew that I was consistent. I was the kind of person who wanted to leave people knowing everything wonderful about them that I believed to be true. I wanted them to feel heard and seen, and I wanted the same in return.

Whether it was a lunch, a dinner, or a simple conversation, I wanted both of us to walk away feeling elevated.

When I measured my relationships against that truth, it became clear who belonged close to me — and who no longer did.

The Contrast That Changed Everything

The contrast was unmistakable: what I lived with before — when I had no awareness I was even living in it — versus what I finally learned I had always longed for.

Better friendships gave me glimpses of what was possible. And then, when I met Roger, love itself reflected peace and steadiness back to me.

That contrast was everything. It showed me not just what I didn't want, but what I would never settle for again.

For You

Your friendships may be showing you the same thing. Notice how your body feels when you're with certain people. Does your chest feel open or tight? Do you feel energized or drained? Are you excited to see them, or do you feel a subtle tension?

Start small. Notice how you feel after texting with different friends. Pay attention to which relationships leave you feeling lighter, and which ones leave you carrying tension you didn't realize was there.

Peace isn't just a luxury — it's the baseline for real love. Start by noticing what your body tells you before your heart rushes in with explanations and excuses.

And when you learn to choose peace in friendships, you prepare yourself for the kind of romantic love you've always deserved.

Your body knows. Trust it. 

Ready to dive deeper into creating the love you deserve? Join our community for weekly insights on relationships, dating, and the inner work that transforms everything. Subscribe here to never miss a blog post and connect with others on the same journey.

Want personalized guidance? If this approach resonates with you and you're ready to explore what aligned love looks like for you, discover how we can work together through our coaching programs.

With love, Kim