Before Love Arrives: What Doing "The Work" Actually Means

"I did the work, and then he showed up."

We hear this phrase constantly, spoken like a magical incantation that conjures love from thin air. But what does it actually mean? Too often, people use "the work" as a vague catchphrase—a spiritual bypass that sounds profound but lacks substance.

The truth is far more nuanced, and infinitely more powerful.

Real inner work isn't about quick fixes or checking boxes on a self-improvement list. It isn't about dating more people, trying harder, or simply declaring yourself "healed." It's about something much deeper: learning to date the future instead of the past.

When we say someone is "dating the past," we mean they're unconsciously recreating familiar patterns, choosing partners who fit old stories, and showing up as previous versions of themselves—perhaps the version who gets easily triggered by minor conflicts and sabotages promising connections, or the one who abandons their own needs to avoid any discomfort. They may be meeting new people, but they're bringing the same energy, the same wounds, the same unconscious programming to every interaction. They are repeating the past.

The work is what allows you to step into a different story entirely, into a new future.

What "The Work" Actually Looks Like

For us, as we began our individual journey's to love, the work started with one crucial element: AWARENESS. And, we're here to tell you that everything else flows from this powerful foundation. Without awareness, we would have remained blind to our patterns, unconsciously repeating the same cycles indefinitely. With it, we began to see the choices, beliefs, and behaviors that needed to shift in order for change to take root.

Awareness isn't just noticing what happens around us—it's seeing clearly—how our past choices and limiting beliefs might be causing us to repeat the same cycles, such as shrinking ourselves to avoid conflict or abandoning our truth to maintain connection. It's the spotlight that illuminates everything.

From a solid foundation of awareness, the work then unfolds in layers:

Integration: Forgiving ourselves and others, learning the lessons our relationships had been trying to teach us, and releasing resentments so gratitude and new possibilities can take root in the empty spaces left behind.

Reconstruction: Rebuilding ourselves from the inside out—not to become perfect, but to become authentic. To nurture the parts of ourselves we might have abandoned and realign with a new kind of love, one that is absolutely possible for us.

This is the kind of effort few people talk about. It isn't glamorous Instagram-worthy transformation. It's the muddy, sometimes uncomfortable terrain of genuine self-discovery that too often makes people retreat back into the familiar. But if you're willing to walk the path of awareness, it will not only change who you attract in love—it will transform you into a version of yourself capable of love at a whole new level.

Roger's Journey: Expanding Instead of Shrinking

After my divorce, I found myself standing in the ruins of a life I thought I understood. The familiar structures were gone, and trying to rebuild them exactly as they were felt impossible—and wrong.

I realized that somewhere along the way, in my effort to be the husband and father I thought I should be, I had quietly tucked away entire pieces of myself. My passion for music became relegated to stolen moments. My writing gathered dust. The intuitive gifts that had always been part of me were carefully hidden away, often deemed too unconventional for the life I was trying to maintain.

But by shrinking myself to fit into someone else's vision of who I should be, I had been slowly suffocating the very essence that made me, me.

The work for me became an act of reclamation. I sat at the piano again, not just for the solitary pleasure of music, but imagining one day playing for the woman I was calling into my life. I began writing again, not just for the sake of words, but to give voice to the stories I knew mattered. I leaned into my spiritual gifts, trusting that the parts of me I had once thought didn't belong would one day be not just accepted, but cherished.

My work was learning not to shrink, but to expand. And in doing so, I was preparing for a love that would embrace all of me—even the parts I had felt compelled to hide.

Kim's Journey: Becoming the Consistency I Sought

When my last relationship ended, I knew I couldn't just jump into something new and hope it would be different. I felt that hope without inner change was just wishful thinking dressed up as strategy.

I had to untangle my anger—not just at him, but at myself for staying in something that kept me small for far too long. I had isolated myself in that relationship, living far from the people who mattered most, accepting breadcrumbs and calling it love.

Part of my work was returning to the relationships that nourished me. Reconnecting with friends and family helped me see where some of my limiting beliefs had originated. I began practicing forgiveness—not the spiritual bypassing kind that pretends hurt never happened, but the deep, honest work of releasing resentment so love could flow again.

But the most important shift was learning to practice consistency with myself. In past relationships, I had been blindsided when partners showed up one way in the beginning, only for their true nature to emerge months later. What I longed for was consistency—someone whose words and actions aligned over time, whose love was steady rather than sporadic.

To call that in, I had to start by being that for myself: keeping my word to myself, holding my own boundaries, and showing up in the steady way I hoped a partner would one day show up for me.

I also had to get brutally honest about what I was asking for. Years earlier, after losing my fiancé in a car accident, I had asked the universe for a partner who would be stable and never leave. That's exactly what I got—but it also became suffocating. I had entered that relationship without healing the part of me that was still terrified of loss.

This time, I had to do the deeper work. I began to envision a partner who would encourage my growth, who loved adventure as much as I did, who wanted to explore the world and celebrate life with me on every level. But more importantly, I had to become that person for myself first.

My work was learning to show myself the consistency I desired, and to expand into a version of myself that could both give and receive expansive love.

The Deeper Truth About Timing

Neither of us rushed into another relationship. We could have—there were opportunities. But we intuitively knew that without doing this inner work, we'd simply be recycling the same patterns with different people. We would be dating the past rather than the new future we were preparing ourselves for.

Here's what most people miss: the work doesn't need to be finished before love arrives. But it does need to be genuinely begun. You need to reach a point of awareness, forgiveness, and self-nurturing that makes it impossible to go back to who you were before.

This is what creates alignment. And when two people come together in true alignment—not just physical attraction or shared interests, but genuine inner alignment—the relationship itself becomes part of the expansion.

The Transformation: What Changes When You Do The Work

This is the part we want you to understand deeply: when you genuinely do this inner work, everything shifts. Your energy becomes so clear, so aligned with what you actually want, that something remarkable happens. The people who used to attract you—the emotionally unavailable ones, the projects, the ones who needed you to shrink to make them comfortable—they stop showing up. Not because you're trying to avoid them, but because your energy no longer matches theirs. You're no longer broadcasting the frequency that draws them in.

Meanwhile, you start noticing completely different people. Partners who are emotionally mature, who celebrate your growth rather than feeling threatened by it, who want to build something beautiful with you rather than fix you or be fixed by you.

Your vision becomes crystal clear. You stop settling for chemistry without compatibility, for potential without presence. You recognize red flags immediately because you've done the work to understand your own patterns. You no longer confuse intensity for intimacy or chaos for passion.

Most importantly, you're looking forward instead of backward. Instead of choosing partners based on healing old wounds or proving you're worthy of love, you're choosing from abundance—from a place of knowing your worth and wanting to share your life with someone who enhances it rather than completes it.

This isn't just about finding love. It's about becoming someone who can receive and sustain extraordinary love. The work changes you at such a fundamental level that your old relationship patterns become impossible to repeat.

Beyond the Surface: What Real Inner Work Looks Like

If you've been wondering what "the work" really means, it goes far deeper than most people realize:

It's examining your unconscious programming: What did you learn about love from your family? What beliefs about relationships are you carrying that you've never questioned? What patterns keep showing up that you've been calling "bad luck"?

It's healing your relationship with yourself: How do you speak to yourself when you make mistakes? Do you keep promises to yourself? Do you prioritize your wellbeing, or do you consistently put yourself last?

It's getting clear about the partner you're actually calling in: Not just "someone nice" or "someone who won't hurt me," but a clear and specific vision of the kind of love that would honor everything about you.

It's practicing the energy you want to attract: If you want consistency, become consistent. If you want emotional availability, become emotionally available. If you want someone who celebrates your growth, start celebrating your own growth.

The Invitation

The work is about looking around you, and into the past, just long enough to become aware of the patterns that don't support the kind of love that's possible for you, and then to consciously release them, so you never have to repeat what has kept true love at bay.

It's preparation. It's tilling the soil where your own version of extraordinary love can grow.

And when you begin—even in the smallest of ways—you set in motion an energy that will meet you where you are and carry you forward into everything that's possible.

The person you're capable of becoming deserves a love that matches your evolution. The work is how you ensure you're ready to recognize it when it arrives.

Reflection Questions for Your Own Journey:

• Looking back: What did you tolerate in past relationships that you now know you won't accept again?

• Looking inward: Where have you been hiding parts of yourself to fit into someone else's vision of who you should be?

• Looking forward: What kind of partnership would feel truly expansive—and how can you begin embodying pieces of that now, in your relationship with yourself?

  
  

The work is calling. Your future self—and your future love—are waiting.

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Want personalized guidance? If this approach resonates with you and you're ready to explore what aligned love looks like for you, discover how we can work together through our coaching programs.

With love and unwavering belief in your journey,

Kim & Roger